dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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