He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
