there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
