I feel like abortions should bother me more
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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