i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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