It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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