just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I skipped work to stalk him.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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