how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We need to get me chipped asap
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
