I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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