uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
