I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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