youre lurking in front of me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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