Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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