that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
