I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
