Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
