Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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