I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
