dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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