You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
