I wish I could teleport
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
