she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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