It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
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He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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