wrigley field is MILF paradise
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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