Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
