meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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