Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
