I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
