You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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