forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
