If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
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His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
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Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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