I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
