I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
