The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
