my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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