Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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