Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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