I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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