yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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