so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
