My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize