seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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