Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
