So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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