If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
