Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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