sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
