I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
