I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
