she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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