I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just had sex bonerless
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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